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‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Recap: Josh Murray and Nick Viall Battle Over the Same Girl — Again!

Welcome back to Bachelor in Paradise! This week on ABC’s completely unhinged dating show, Daniel Maguire twerked on an innocent swimming pool, the twins were filmed eating bananas to the sound of suggestive music, and Josh Murray swooped in like a handsome bird of prey and stole Nick Viall‘s girl. Again. Get caught up on the Monday, August 8, episode below, and find out which couple had barely censored sex. Yay!

Related: PHOTOS: 'Bachelor' and 'Bachelorette' Engagement Rings Through the Years

Chad Goes Out With a Bang, Is Unsung Hero

See you never, Chad Johnson! Everyone’s favorite deli meat enthusiast enjoyed his final moments on camera during Monday’s episode, and it was glorious. Not only did Chad tell Chris Harrison, “On a scale of one to f–k off, f–k off,” someone thought it was a good idea to give him a giant bottle of whiskey for his ride home. And a platter of sliced turkey, which prompted him to chat about ladies “vibing” his “meat taste.” Obviously, it goes without saying that sandwiches are dead to us. Chad leaves no survivors. 

Related: PHOTOS: Biggest Bachelor and Bachelorette Villains

Nick Viall Juggles Amanda and Leah

When it comes to dating, Nick’s attitude is: the more, the merrier. Andi Dorfman and Kaitlyn Bristowe‘s unloved castoff went on a date with new arrival Leah Block (aka “that lying bitch,” as one of the twins lovingly called her), and they had a great time. The pair happily made out semi-drunk on a public beach, and Leah treated the world to the following sentence: “That last splash just got me so wet. My whole vagina is soaked!” #Romance

But wait! In a shocking (shocking!) twist, Nick got a date card upon his return to Paradise and asked Amanda Stanton out — prompting Leah to spiral. Not only did Ben Higgins‘ ex-girlfriend interrupt Amanda’s glam session to psych her out, she ended up sitting in a corner and inflating a giant swan on her lonesome. File under: That moment when a swan is your only friend.

Related: PHOTOS: The Bachelorette After the Final Rose: Broken Engagements, Weddings, Babies, and More!

Anyway, the good news is that Amanda and Nick had a lovely time making out by a bonfire, and their connection was legit. So much so that when Leah tried to steal Nick back during the pre-rose ceremony cocktail hour, he straight up shot her down.

Josh Murray Savagely Ruins Nick’s Life Again

Remember when Josh and Nick were competing for Andi’s hand in marriage, and Josh totally won? Yeah, well it’s happening again. Josh swooped in and immediately laid his eyes on Amanda, and girl was smitten. This was especially true after Josh regaled her with the tragic story of his one-legged cancer-surviving dog.

Josh and Amanda got super close during their boat date (Josh could not stop grunting into her open mouth), and Josh dished some dirt on Andi’s tell-all. “It was so hard, she has not-so-kind things to say, it’s very unfortunate that she would depict me in such a false way,” he said, going on to describe the book as a “fictional story” and “not true at all.”

BTW, if you’re wondering about Nick’s thoughts on the book, he had this to say: “Some of the stuff that’s written about Josh is pretty aggressive and a little disturbing.” Oh, and speaking of Nick, the poor bae attempted to confront his arch rival about stealing Amanda, but Josh wasn’t having it. “I’ve never seen someone so unapologetic for being an ass for no reason,” Nick said, not at all dramatically.

The cast of Bachelor In Paradise
The cast of Bachelor In Paradise

Evan and Carly Kiss, Carly Vomits

Evan Bass and Carly Waddell are a match made in the opposite of heaven. They’re a match made in hell, guys. The hot mess that is their relationship started when Evan kissed Carly. Her response? To say, a) “That kiss was so terrible,” b) “I don’t understand how this man has two children,” and c) “My brothers told me to stop dating guys that were effeminate. My first boyfriend ever now has a boyfriend. And here we are again.” Meanwhile, poor Evan described the kiss as “incredible,” and asked Carly on a date. Which is where the vomit comes in.

Because Chris Harrison is an evil genius mastermind (in a good way!), he forced Carly and Evan to break the Guinness World Record for “longest, hottest habanero kiss ever.” And honestly, watching them part lips after kissing for over a minute was traumatizing for everyone involved, especially Carly, who threw up in a bathroom. “I threw up not just from the pepper,” she said. “From the kiss.”

Lace and Grant Have Sex, ABC Barely Attempts to Censor It

Will Lace Morris’ breath forever be tinged with ham in the aftermath of Chad? Irrelevant, because she moved on straight into the arms of Grant Kemp. These two went from zero to 100 in the space of one day, and they ended up taking things to the bedroom, where Lace covered up the camera for sexy time. “I’m definitely going to take advantage and make him want to give me the rose,” she said. Cameras literally recorded intimate noises, we heard Lace say “you have to get on top,” and there was footage of two crabs having sex. What is life.

Rose Ceremony Updates

So, what other couples are living it up in Paradise? Let’s see, Jared Haibon gave his rose to Emily Ferguson instead of Jubilee Sharpe, Grant hooked up Lace, Dan chose Sarah Herron after she tried-and-failed to love up Vinny Ventiera, Vinny picked Izzy Goodkind, Evan picked Carly, and Nick chose Amanda. (Note: the ceremony took place before Josh sauntered in.) This means poor Jubilee and Leah went home, and Jubes was majorly unimpressed by Jared giving his rose to Emily: “I’m more disappointed in the fact that I would ever go for someone who would be so interested in identical twins who he probably can’t even tell apart over me.”

Tell Us: Is Josh being the actual worst?

Bachelor in Paradise airs on ABC Monday and Tuesday at 8 p.m. ET.

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